Goodbye 2010!!!!

Well this year is about over. It can go bye bye, that's fine. I swear I won't miss it. You make some mistakes in order to learn things. I'm learning slowly. I'm still making the mistakes. I'm even learning a few things. There are a few things I have known for years, but still haven't learned. This year has been full of people who loved me, who hated me, who I loved, who I hated, who lied to me, who I lied to, who told the truth, who I told the truth to (yes there must have been someone!)

I think that covers a whopping 6 people ;)

Here's a toast!
To 2010! You sucked ass! We had some nice adventures, some big fights, and made some big enemies! You've brought death, destruction, tragedy, and dispair. I've had enough of your shit and I'm not gonna be your bitch anymore! You hear me???? I can do better than you! I already feel like I am!!!! I'm moving on! I've already been seen flirting with 2011 :) We'll be going public soon and you'll be so last year! Up yours 2010! Amen!

What the hell is wrong with me?????

Why do I keep hurting myself and then wondering why I'm hurting? Why am I being so stupid? Why can't I let go? Why am I doing what I'm doing? How do I let go? How did she let go? WTF???? I think I really just need to erase myself. Start all over.

"I know the truth" - Aida

How did I come to this?
How did I slip and fall?
How did I throw half a lifetime away,
without any thought at all?
This should have been my time.
It's over, it never began.
I closed my eyes to so much for so long
and I no longer can.
I try to blame it on fortune.
Some kind of shift in a star.
But I know the truth and it haunts me.
It's flown just a little too far.
I know the truth and it mocks me.
I know the truth and it shocks me.
It's flown just a little too far.

Why do I want him still?
Why, when there's nothing there.
How to go on with the rest of my life?
To pretend I don't care.
This should have been my time.
It's over, it never began.
I've closed my eyes to so much for so long
and I no longer can.
I try to blame it on fortune.
Some kind of twist in my fate.
But I know the truth and it haunts me.
I learned it a little too late.

Oh I know the truth and it mocks me.
I know the truth and it shocks me.
I learned it a little too late.
Too late.

Dead bff

Well she told me to take her name off of everything, I fought her. She screamed at me, I finally did it. We had a huge fight in April. Said everything would cool off and we would be friends again.

She took it back.

The 3 of us gathered for my birthday downtown. The day after, I found that I was cut off from myspace, facebook, youtube, twitter, etc. She has not returned my calls, emails, texts, etc. Its only been 6 months. She said it would be ok. She said we were like sisters. Why when we hurt the most do people abandon us. 15 years worth of friendship and she abandons me. This is not the blog I intended to write. I wanted to say...

Last weekend was my brithday celebration. On Friday ( my actual bday, 28) I went downtown Chicago with Dave. We went to see Rock of Ages. Constantine Moroulis from Idol was the star along with MiG Ayesa. They did great. We didn't get home till late but it was great. The next morning, my friends were coming to pick me up to go downtown to the Shedd and they arrived late. It was all good though cuz my Jewel pass got us in for free! Saved us $100!!! Awesomeness! We all had a great day. Only one little indecisive moment toward the end when I wasn't sure what to do about the movie. Oh well we got out of there. Headed over to the cheesecake factory. Had a gay waiter. Doug liked him. I was offering to help find out if he was gay but I was little into my birthday beverage and I was told to "shut up." I was very irritated by that so I got up and went to the bathroom. Grrrrrr. Cheesecake came which they ordered but it came with my name written with Happy Birthday Melissa on the dish. Funny, the waiter carded me wrong and said I was 21 :) I wish I was 21 again. I remember 21. Oh well.

Thank you to my friends for my great weekend. You are amazing, and I never say that enough. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for the way I treat you. I know I am not good enough to be your friend. I have always put you up on a pedastol and set me waaaay below you. Now I guess it's just coming true. I just want you to know that even though you may give up on me, I will never give up on you. If someday you ever want to see me again, I'll be there. I will never forget your kindness and beauty. These things I could never measure up to.

I guess I better get going before this gets too mushy. You know how to find me.

TN day 5 and 6

Well aloha!
Yesterday was Sat and we went to Harmon Hollow. Due to time constraints and again, not leaving early enough, we only had about 2 hours to be there. Kinda ridiculous, but at least we got to go. Dave and Laura are awesome as usual and everyone seems happy. Becky and her daughter, Alivia, are fun. Nanny doesn't appear to be fareing as well. They all cooked this huge meal of steak and shrimp with pasta and broccoli noodles, corn, green beans, potato, and I"m sure something else I can't remember. You could only take about a spoonful of each thing before you filled your plate!!!!! IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!! :)

While rushing to get back to Doug's for the TN STITCH meeting, we met a very nice police officer who did not charge us with reckless driving, only going over the speed limit. How very nice considering its a holiday weekend and we are clearly wearing out of state plates.

At any rate, we made it back home for the TN STITCH meeting where we all just wanted to sleep because the man who was speaking, while very nice and semi helpful, just droned on in a boring tone for 2 hours and I'm thinking he didin't actually say anything though he did so much talking.

TODAY WE LEAVE!!!!! I"m up, bff in shower, Doug snoring on couch. I'm terrified of packing and seeing how bff plans to shove all this shit in my car. *cries* See you at home! Megan, so far, there are still 3 living people, and one car still in one piece. Now, let's see if we make it home lol.

Melissa

TN day 4

Friday was a little catch up/ blow off day. We never made it to the incline railroad Wed. so we went thurs. It was ok but we got a big ol late start cuz we could. This meant being caught in the ginormous hailstorm that we were able to watch come at us from high above the world. Tim has a picture of it and its on his facebook. This storm had lightning and thunder as well which scared the shit out of Dougable!!!! Bwahahaha!!!! It wasn't really funny cuz I was half afraid he was going to give himself a heart attack panicing about it. Bff and I had a close call with the lighning a little. It makes you understand quickly why some ppl are afraid. The incline wasn't running in such horrible weather so we had a break of luck getting the last one to come a little late. Once we finally got back down the mountain, we were so soaked that it made me mad sicne I had showered that morning.

Once all that was done we went to dinner at Fazoli's and then went back to the awesome bookstore, McKays. Oh the things bff and Doug bought...my poor car won't have room for all this stuff!!!! I have a feeling I"m going to be left behind just so that they can get all their crap home lol.

TN 3 :)

Yesterday we attempted to combine 2 days of sightseeing into 1 day. Didn't quite work because things are still closing at 6p, BOO! We saw Rock City which was kewl and had lots of trails and pretty music and caves and stuff. There was also a very big heigh difference between me and the ground and the only way between two parts was a footbridge. Lots of George of the Jungle quotes were said and Dougable ran away very scared. I was fine which I thought was hysterical. We took lots of video. At the top of Lookout Mountain, which contains rock city, ruby falls, and the incline railroad, you can see 7 states. This is kewl and historical cuz it was used in the civil war for the south to keep an eye on the advancing north.

Most of yesterday was awesome. It fell apart a little at the end. We are all still so sleep deprived so we may be slightly cranky still. Today is very rainy and I think that is how our trip will end. Rainy last few days. We are headed back out to the amazing, crazy, ridiculous, bookstore where many hours and dollars will be spent most likely needlessly lol. Should be great. :) Bye!

Melissa

TN day 2

aloha
yesterday we got up early, but all went back to bed. the origional plans were to get up at about 6 to be out the door by 7 and in atlanta by 9 to spend the day at the georgia aquarium. well we were all tired and delayed ourselves a few hours but finally we made it and had such a blast i can't even begin to describe it. it's the world's biggest aquarium. i really should have gotten a tshirt but i was cranky cuz they only started in 2005 apparently lol. i guess i wanted 20 years of experience before i was going to purchase the apparel lol. i have lots of videos i'll put on youtube one day.

we totally missed the idol finale but doug and bff caught the end. i know what happened but i could care less. oh well. lee won, boo. last night we finally got to do some heavy sleeping. i'm still exhausted. mybody has been awake for 2 hours but my brain is still in sleep mode. today we are going to rock city, the incline railroad, and ruby falls.

melissa

TN TRIP 2010 DAY 1

Aloha! Bff and I left last night ( Monday) to get here to see Dougable. The 9 hour ride kinda sucked ass. We left at 5p and didn't get here till 4am Tuesday (today). Yeah that was more than 9 hours but what the hell. We over packed as per usual cuz we're adorable like that. So far we haven't slept at all and we are all tired and nutz.

Today so far we went McKay's. It's a gigantic, behemoth, huge, big-ass, used book, music, movie, and electronics store. It's fucking amazing and only in TN right now. Spent tooooo much money on stuff that is hard to find on my amazon list, and for what i spent, bff spent nearly 3x as much!!!! Only a few dollars per item really adds up. Love it. After that we had lunch at O'Charley's and sad to say, my squash salad is gone :( *moment of squashed silence*

Now we are back at Doug's and we are sitting here going from tired, to playful, to tired, to slaphappy, to tired, to asleep!

TOMORROW - GEORGIA AQUARIUM!!!!!

6-8 weeks later

well our assistant came back to jewel today. that means it's been somewhere between 6 and 8 weeks since she lost her husband. this means for me that it's been 6-8 weeks since the mental breakdown disaster that led to the big fight in naperville that still keeps me up at night. i'm really not pleased that time has caused me to pay attention to it and is kinda holding me accountable.

my chest hurts.

"...doesn't change anything..."

dear _____

tonight is a beautiful night. it's awesome car riding weather. it makes me miss you. i almost broke down and called you to tell you that, but it doesn't change anything. we aren't together for a reason tonight. i forgot what i was going to say here. oh well. i miss you, but i will probably never admit it to you and it doesn't change anything.

me

the canal of root

aloha
me had root canal today. it all good though. major numby! minor owwy! lotz of bloody i'm told. i go back in 2 weeks to get another tooth worked on (not a root canal) and he's gonna do the final touches to this tooth. i also have a fuckton of fillings to be redone on the other side of the mouth. all together this dude is charging me $2500!!!!! I"m gonna die before I can pay for that lol. I have 12 months from the time they file it though so there!

oh and i'm still a bad friend, but bff was nice enough to say good things about me when my potential chicago job called her as one of my references. doug hasn't called though. when he does i may kill him for making bff twice as mad at me. stupid people. thank god megan was with me while all this was happening otherwise i'd have no friends at all.

*dies*
melissa

I'm a bad friend

I single handedly pissed off 2 out of 3 of my closest friends. Normally this would make the evil melissa fiendishly happy. I'm not very evil today and I'm quite sad that everyone is mad at me. All I wanted to do was switch places with Megan and she was going to use the desk and i was going to sit on the floor use my computer, but I was on the phone with bff. She was talking and I was listening and moving around and then I heard on the phone: 'OH WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?' and the phone disconnected. So apparently I wasn't listening for a half second and I am a bad person cuz her phone went off completely. Right to voicemail. And no call back later on either now that I think about it.

Later I talked to Doug. He didn't like a video I sent him and I called him homophobic (even though he's gay) and told him he wouldn't be friends with someone who had a sense of humor. Well he did his best to politely end the conversation. I can tell he was pissed though. Sorry!

Sorry Doug, sorry bff.
ASS-il-em

crazy day

i must have been in a good mood yesterday because i was attracting people from out of nowhere. i got a phonecall from dave r just wanting to talk, although i know better, i got calls from laura harmon asking me to help her client, i got a call from benjamin's mommy asking me to dog sit later this month, it's been crazy.

mario level 2 is fun despite whatever i tell you :)

melissa

Squished!!!!

I bought Mario Brothers for Wii and I was doing really well in level 1 but I got squished by the mid castle!!!! I finally had to have Luigi do it for me. Right after the midpoint in the castle there are four things that come together to squish you, and i keep getting squished!!!! Oh well. Now I'm at underwater world.

Melissa

re-posting

aloha
2 years ago i posted a blog when we had really bad weather in nw indiana...i ended the post with a little saying that someone at jewel had jokingly said to me...but now it has come true, so i'm re-posting that post because we finally had the earthquake...but it was in IL, close enough!

ok nevermind, it' wont let me so i'll just retype it.

thursday, september 18,2008
WE'VE GOT TROUBLE
right here in river city, i mean munster, indiana
well, we've had tornados...
and now hurricanes...
what's the next step up from hurricane?
tsunami!!! sounds exciting
...waiting for the earthquake...

melissa

ug!

i got up early. i looked adorable. i drove all the damn way to rosemont, il for my job interview. yeah that lasted 10 minutes. holy crap! now what to do with my day. i was between chicago and naperville and i chose naperville. i'm now in love with the fox valley mall. it reminds me of a mini gurnee mills or something. there was a disney store right next to a banana republic and caddy corner from victoria's secret which was all across from a beautiful fountain!!!! one minor detail the designer overlooked was that there should really be a few tables and chairs near the fountain so you can watch without getting wet. duh! people should really consult with me before installing fountains ;) oh well it just gave me a new idea for my starter mansion...jungle/nature room! fountain, plants, nature sounds lol. before i rolled into naperville i stopped at the o'hare oasis to get some mcdonalds. that was awesome!!!! i feel like i totally jet setted today! if i were smart i would have just taken the hell off and gone to florida by plane! although, i did have mom and dads car, so i had gps. the only bad thing about today beside the bad interview, was that i really didn't have any money to spend. my atm showed a lot of money in my account, but i had paid bills that haven't come through yet.

melissa

wii sex

i took the stupid platic thing off the damn wiimote so i could stick it in my pocket to do my run on my wii fit plus. i left it off today and then this evening my family and i were wii bowling. afterwards, dude was like :
"yeah i don't like this unprotected bowling, put that back on"
my response"
"yeah, after all, they call it a condom"

worn out

well aloha
i was feeling a little blue earlier but then i went and did an hour of excercise. what a difference an hour makes. almost makes me wish i had done some this afternoon. oh well.
yeah i'm exhausted now.
night

what the hell....

i'm so freakin tired. i think in the past week i have had about 21 hours of sleep. i'm just not sleeping. i can't fall asleep till 3 and then i sleep for a little while and have to get up. sucks. today was insane and i don't remember that past few days. last night i fell asleep around 3 again and had to be up by 6 to be at gail's house in hobart, indiana, by 7 and then we drove to laporte, indiana, to see an herbalist. his name is clyde organ and he's kewl. he said i was pretty healthy but should wear my watch on my right hand instead of my left. something about energy in the receiving hand being the right hand. also he said i should try a women's supplement. fine.

other than that just been working and family has been going bananas. speaking of which, i bet my farm is ready. see ya!
me

Hectic pondering

hey
the past few days have been busy. i don't remember the last time i blogged. it was saturday night/sunday morning. well sunday i spent with my kinda boyfriend, benjamin ketelaar, who, in thye future, may be known as benjamin crazyfox. we saw a movie at keresotes. after 6 months this is the first going out to see a movie. kinda nice. monday tuesday stuff happened don't remember, did a little working at the j.o.b. it was ok.
today is now thursday but i'm writing as wed cuz i haven't been to bed yet. i'm sitting here crying cuz bff told me her dog jack is dying of cancer...rather, living with cancer. i'm making decisions about my future. i'm very pissed at the moment because purdue calumet here in hammond has a radio degree. i'm considering doing something in communications/broadcasting/public relations. just something i always have kicked around since i like being the one to do the closing announcements at jewel. always been told i should be on the radio.
I don't know, I'm just up and upset and pondering and thinking that in 4 years my life could be so different but at the same time it could be the same. what am i talking about? i don't know. what if in 4 years mom , dad, nana, uncle bob, and everyone would would be there are gone? i'll finally have made a decision to do something, complete it and nobody will be there to witness history. does that mean that any of it matters? hell i have wasted a lot of opportunities and i'm so upset with myself right now. does that mean i'm going to change.... i would say the forecast is partly sunny with a breeze of change coming...

harder

after 2 weeks it's becoming harder to do my wii fit plus. there isn't a good time to take over the tv. oliver likes to lay on the balance board. that doesn't help. plus my neck and arm are horrible, and i think i injured my foot playing the penguin game lol. i'm a mess. right now my arm is cramping up and tingling and going numb. wtf is that???? utter lunacy i say!

today we had a business training school except i don't think we call it that anymore, i don't remember. there have been so many damn name changes. all i know is that due to my incredible lazyness, i had to drive myself to prairie state college. it wasn't bad. i zoomed right past joe and valerie on the expressway, bwahahahahahahaha.

i'm bored. i really don't wanna type. i wanna sleep but i wanna jam but i wanna do nails but i need sleep and tomorrow/today is going to be disaster becauz i can't spell and i triple booked myself to do everything with everyone lol.

me

Interesting conversations

tonight at jewel i had some interesting conversations with different customers:

"how's was your day today?"
"my fiancee just got shot"
"oh, sorry"
"yeah he's dead"
"..."
I gave her the milk and hugged her.

On a lighter note
"no you cannot by the handcuffs!"
"why, mom"
"they are a waste of money and i know exactly what you are going to do with them"
"what she going to do," i stupidly ask
"she's going to tie up her boyfriend...do you do that? do you tie up your boyfriend?"
"right now if i tied him up i'd probably just leave him somehwere," i replied smugly.


so i guess the moral of the story is everyone let your fiancee know you love them before they go to the mall and get shot over their pricey new car, don't put your boyfriends in handcuffs, and people are really wierd.

Trying to make a difference is hard

Aloha
Yesterday I was interviewing a woman for my business. She seems interested, she's just perfect for it, but she just doesn't seem to want to commit. It's difficult to make people see that helping people is what we do not selling things. Very annoying. I'm excited because we are doing her plan today. Maybe she'll see it. Trying to make a difference in someone's life is hard.

Whew!

Yesterday I did a lot, I mean a lot, of Nintendo Wii Fit Plus!!! I have a calorie goal set for sticky rice, so I did most of that goal, I say I got about 200 calories burned, then ran to the mall for some info from cellphone carriers, then went to set up Megan's Wii Fit Plus, and burned the other 70 calories I needed there. I fell asleep on Megan's couch for a little bit too lol. That's what u get when you combine ibuprofen with muscle relaxers ;) I drooled all over her fuzzy pillow, sorry Megan. When I drove home, there was a snownami going on in Porter County so that was just marvelous fun. When I reached home it was just past 11p so I decided to finish my last 60 calories on my wii fit plus, even though I already did them on Megan's lol. I think I burned for that day more than I actually ate.

Today is a lazy day. I haven't been working all weekend. I don't work again till Tuesday night. A little bit of good news, I am interviewing a nice lady tomorrow morning for my business, I'm very excited for her.

Welcome 2010!!!

Aloha
Welcome to 2010. So far it's been painful. Can't sleep. Can't see. Can't move arms or neck. Dying.......
Megan came over today. We played with my new Wii Fit Plus and then went to Target and went to buy her one. She's very excited. Bff is in KY which is very mean cuz this whole weekend, including Sunday, I am off from Jewel. Quite a scary feeling. Ok my eyes are killing me, gotta go.
Melissa