Being present and greatful

...is hard work.

It's taken a while to figure out what the hell it means. Last night I finally had a break through, by way of a breakdown. I've been so damn hard on myself and so rude to everyone else. I was drowning. Last night I almost got on here and wrote terrible things like "i feel useless, i want to disappear or die or something". That was literally my plan. Luckily, or maybe unluckily, Primerica pre-empted me. I went to class a complete disaster, I forgot my script, I neglected the person that begged me to call them. My upline looked at me and could tell I was upset. Dave mocked my body language lol. I was frowning, my chin was down, arms crossed. He imitated me. By the damn time I got done with class my tears were close to coming out. I went into the bathroom and just took as many deep breaths as I could because I was goign to lock myself in there and cry my brains out. Then I realized that was bad because eventually I would have to come out and the world would know I was crying lol. So I just left and called Laura with my name a day and went to do literboxes. I got through one and just started with the tears. I was going around the room and just cried and cried and coudln't breathe. My face was so red. I thought I would pass out lol. When I got over it, I finished cleaning and took it out to the curb for garbage collection.
That was the moment when I had my moment of being present and greatful. The weather was nice. The sky was kinda clear. I was just on empty and totally focused on now, that tomorrow, not earlier in the day or yesterday. NOthing mattered except being outside. It was wonderful. I actually started my gratitude journal last night. I also began reading The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self Confidence. Happy Melissa.
Today work Jewel 2-6 and then I intend to go to bffs hosue. We'll see what family intends.
Melissa